First and always, I wish you the best. I wish you happiness and prosperity. I wish you peace of mind and good fortune. Always.
I’m not writing this to make any demands. You don’t have to do anything. You aren’t required to do anything. You never have been. I’m not trying to bind you in any shackles. I’m not trying to own you. I’m not trying to control you.
I am not in a competition with you. I am not trying to make you feel like a bad person.
I seek understanding. I hope for progress and for positive acknowledgement.
I am not expecting to do any one thing to miraculously get you to want to be accept me. I am hoping that you will find enough compassion to let me know if I’m doing anything that’s moving in the right direction. Otherwise I won’t know if I’m spinning my wheels in place, moving backwards, or going forward. I’m in the dark and I’d like some help. Not step by step guidance, just progress reports. But you don’t have to. You are not required to help me.
I am hoping. I am hoping that you will do things to let me know I’m making positive progress so that hope doesn’t fade in me. I am not invincibly strong nor am I infinitely stubborn. I get weary as I’m sure you do. I will be there to reassure you. To keep you motivated, strong and on a path of progress. I am not required to do this. I want to do this. I do find joy in doing this when I see that it’s helping you bc you deserve better. Better than I was. Better than I am. Better than you have been treated by any other man. Better than your boss treats. Better. There is always better. And I will always want that for you.
I’m not asking for perfection. I’m not demanding even your compassion. I’m hoping for it. It to motivates me. In everything. But I do not pretend that what motivates will translate into what you feel the need to do. I am aware that you don’t owe me anything. I am aware that you resent me to at least some degree. I earned it and I will not tell you how to feel. I don’t have that right.
I do have the right to tell you my intentions. Every meaning I intended to put behind my actions. I will acknowledge when that intention is foul and beg for forgiveness and try my best to prevent foul intentions from poisoning my words and actions in the future. I will tell you when my intentions were good and what they were and hope you will believe me and take them into consideration when you think about my words and actions. I will acknowledge when my good intentions are executed miserably. A good intention wrapped in horrible execution deserves ridicule. Hopefully it also benefits from the grace of the receiver when the intent is explained.
I have apologized numerous times for numerous things. I pray that my apologies are accepted and taken to heart. I have done good things that I hope you will accept and acknowledge. I have made progress that I hope you see and acknowledge.
I believe you are right in your assessments of me and my faults (hopefully I’ll event make it to believing your assessments of what’s good in me). However harshly the assessments are communicated, you are right. I believe you are right. I believe in your words. I trust your judgment.
Because of that, you are a catalyst for change in me. Change is not instantaneous. Change is not a smooth process. But change will occur. And that means I owe you gratitude.
I am required to be grateful to you for that. I am not required to be, yet I still find myself, in love with you. As far as my inexperienced heart can tell, I am in love with you. I love you. I love you. I love your daughter. I wish you and her all the positive outcomes possible in your lives. My expressions of care, gratitude, compassion and interest will likely be imperfect. Full of good intentions gone awry in the attempt to express them. Full of good intentions that blossom into wonderful actions and words and other expressions.
Love doesn’t make things easier, as far as I can tell. But love does make things more important. I will fight through anything and anyone (including myself and you) in the name of it because I would not fight if not for love. I would not feel pain or sorrow or joy or happiness as deeply as I do without love. I’ve tasted love and no other taste comes close. You are the core of this love. The seed and the flower. I dream of the aroma of the love I have found in you. The hope that dwells in the future of this love is the most compelling call to the future I have ever experienced. I hope you will allow it to grow. I hope that I will allow it to grow. I want it to grow. I hope that you want it to grow.
But I make no demands. I can only hope that these are your wants, wishes, and hopes as well.
So I do.

*note: This was written December, 2013 not June, 2014. It has been posted mostly to remind myself of what I felt the first time I fell in love.*

A beautiful spirit makes the world wondrous.
Your beautiful spirit makes my world perfection.
If I am to struggle to sustain,
You must rain to prosper.
Together is the best way to work,
To play,
To exist.

May your face be my moon,
Your eyes be my dawn
And your smile shine brighter than midday.
I will always look on you in awe,
With the utmost appreciation, Considering myself abundantly blessed To share our blink of an eye
On a speck of dust
As one.

As small as a flicker,
As grand as an epiphany.
Nothing made can match what we are.

Stop trying.
Every time you try, you hold back.
You’re trying to be something that’s less than who you are.
Every single time you try.
So, until you figure out a better way to try.
Stop trying.
Until you create a better ideal in your being of what you trying should look like.
Feel like.
Act like.
Until then, just be.

Like hollow bones echoing down an empty hall. Trying to rebuild a shell and refill a void. Mending the pieces that remain and replacing what’s gone with something stronger. Finding peace in acceptance and using its strength to evict the chaos of uncertainty. Life will be, so let it. There isn’t much to fight so don’t fight so much. Follow The Leader. Lead the follower. Be like water. Whatever will work. Be like water. Embrace the reality, for it is your creation, your truth and your choice. Find solitude where it finds you. Appreciate what makes you better, even if it wasn’t intended to do so. Find the light. Bring the light with you. Be the light. You’re not the only lost soul in the darkness. Light a way for others so that they might find the way for themselves. You were an example to be learned by. You are everything and nothing, as are all things. Don’t hold on so tightly to what is born to slip away swiftly. It might not feel so good as it could if you held it gently and cherished it while it was there and as it moved on. Find the beauty in things more than you find the ugliness in things. Positivity is more accessible and abundant than the air and than the waters of the oceans and seas and rivers. Anoint yourself with the healing powers of positivity instead of bathing and drinking in the poisons of negativity. Life is difficult, easy, complex, simple, beautiful, ugly, nice, mean, good, evil, harsh, soothing, lonely, fulfilling, loathsome, and glorious. But mostly it’s just life. Search for and find your peace and let life be as it is meant to be. It’s your world and it is shaped by the opinions you accept as truths about it. Choose better. Choose more positively. Choose to be satisfied. Choose to be happy. Choose. It’s your choice.

Something is wrong. Technology is beginning to feel evil to me. In the same sense that money may be viewed as evil; meaning it’s giving us greater opportunity to destroy ourselves.

I feel as though I’m disconnecting. Drifting deeper into a void of flippant words, haphazardly injected into my conscience through lifeless text with no tangible substance to tie to existence.

I would much prefer to write this down than type it on this tablet via simulated keypad that frequently disregards my touch and intent with words and wording. Autocorrect and misinterpreted thumb presses have me doubting my abilities to produce coherent sentences that properly convey my thoughts. The problem is that I just realized I don’t own a single piece of lined paper. These words don’t even really exist as words. They’re just a bunch of zeros and ones posing as letters when I look at them. I don’t necessarily trust that my intent is being fully conveyed and stored in this attempt at expressing myself through the use of an agreed upon form of language known as English. Do you know how many two,  three, and four letter words I’ve had to correct or let Autocorrect correct just to get this point in this rant? Too fucking many. Words I know I know how to spell, but I keep on having to have my attempts at spelling them corrected because of the method of input technological advancement and my eagerness to advance along with it. I’ve not used a single word or turn of phrase that should warrant me meticulously proofreading this before I post because I’m not inept at writing. So I won’t proofread this. Because I never had so many fucked up sentences in anything I’ve written since I learned how to spell words before I started depending on a fucking computer screen to function as my writing utensil.

Yes, I am actually very upset about this. I’m upset because I’m actually starting to question myself on things that I feel are entirely too fundamental for me to be questioning as 31 year man that can clearly remember when he never proofread anything and rarely ever had anyone tell him later that he made a mistake in his spelling. And it’s even worse when you research to make sure you know how to spell the word correctly and this fake ass keyboard STILL ends up fucking it up. Infuriating.

I shouldn’t be this frustrated at the writing process. I LOVE writing. But this is a tangent I could frustrate myself with trying to express on this horrendous ass device for hours. So back to the original point.

This “electronically connected” movement is starting to feel like it’s nothing more than a means to dehumanize one of the most fundamental aspects of human existence; social interaction. We are not connected to others via tweets, texts, message boards, Facebook statuses, or even FaceTime (or any other videoconferencing technology). NOTHING can come close to actual face to face human interaction. Nothing. Consultants whose job is to help businesses be better at communicating will flat out tell customers that no form of communication is remotely as effective as face to face communication. No form of communication can provide as complete a message as face to face communication because most of communication is not the words. And every time you reduce the information that accompany the words, you drastically reduce the effectiveness of communication. Most of what passes as communication in electronic settings is only words. Disconnected. This is not communication at its sincerest. Not even what I’m writing now. At least I’m aware of that.

I miss writing on paper because it has elements of face to face communication embedded in it. You can observe the weight of the pen stroke instead trying to interpret what words in caps lock signify or guessing what it means when there are three question marks instead of the normal two for that person (if you’re even sure they’re actually asking a question). I guess that could still be an issue with handwritten things, but I personally associate writing things with hand with trying to spell and punctuate with as much care as I’m able.

I don’t think I like how much is out there to judge a person by.

We all judge. If you say you don’t, I judge you to be a liar or almost completely mentally disabled. I think people are afraid of judgment because judgment and punishment have become one and the same in most people’s minds. They aren’t. You still have to do both separately, though usually one after the other in a consistent order. Everyone has the responsibility to judge. The right to punish is quite another matter. Most people don’t have that, though that may not stop them from trying. There is a power in naming your fears. There is a danger in giving your fear the wrong name. If you fear punishment, be clear with yourself and others that this is the case. There isn’t much point in fearing what you cannot control. Judgment is  uncontrollable so there are things to be judged.

People don’t think things through. People can’t think everything through. Not completely. We have limited capacities for basically everything, so there’s no reason to believe thinking things through should be the exception. We are designed to be fallible. It’s in our nature. It’s gonna happen. We constantly present others with information for them to judge us by. It’s how life works. It’s how communication works. As I said before, this electronic form of communication lacks so much of what is important in communication. Yet it’s so convenient that it causes plenty of people to communicate things to an audience that they normally wouldn’t communicate such things to if given a choice. Flippant words haphazardly injected into my conscience. I do it, too and I’m sure it’s not helping.

I’m not trying to start an exodus from Twitter, Facebook, the comments section on news articles, etc. I’m not even gonna try to wrap this up neatly. I’m just complaining. I plan on doing something about it for myself. The rest of you can do whatever feels right for you to do. Duh.

While you fight your inner demons the ones that care can see your inner being, glowing. A treasure. Is it comfort or pain knowing, you can expose yourself, whenever? And when you open will you still be able to hold yourself together? Is that even the goal then? Is your universe a still lake or is it flowing? How many barriers would you create to try hold it? How many carriers is it gon take to bring it all back in? Who’s strong enough to take on that task without collapsing? Who you gon trust to even try to help with all that, then? Are you really and truly as solitary as you imagined? Who’s really ruling? You’re barely yourself, let alone Lord and master. You gon bury yourself probably. A suicidal zombie with brain cancer. You can look inside for the answers but what you hear when you listen, all of existence whispering enchantments. Singing the truth like an anthem. It’s only us in the end. Minuses, pluses, and Ns. The only thing that makes a difference is space. Come closer, then. Let us embrace.

And so you disconnect by burying yourself in the world. And everything is good.
Until the world introduces you to someone that yanks you back to the surface and you’re forced to deal with your place in it. You’re faced with sensations that couldn’t penetrate to the depths you’d found.
You’re like a teenage kid, freshman year of college. First time drinking with no concept of moderation. Things are cool initially. The buzz is appealing. So you indulge. Next thing you know, the world is operating on a strange set of rules you’ve never encountered before and your struggling to cope. Functionality is a guessing game.
And if you’re lucky enough to not blackout and hurl all over yourself, you’ll still have to deal with punishment of the hangover. Your body attempting to reconcile the new crap it’s been introduced to the previous night. Headaches. Pounding headaches. Every movement is a test and you fail miserably each time. The slightest noises are elevated to deafening levels. Thinking is a stab in the brain. Right behind your eyes. Right above your temples. Somewhere deep in the middle of your brain. Hypersensitivity.
Then, just when you think your life has devolved into the sine and cosine in the bassline of the most excruciating EDM song ever created… Silence. Normalcy. Your body mass made its case.
And then you’re ready to go get drunk again.
And then you learn to deal.
And then it becomes normal.
Problem is, now you’re an alcoholic. And that is a problem, right?
My first time falling in love was like my first time getting drunk. Will everything that follows traverse a similar path? I hope not. A tolerance for love and pain sounds just as bad as being an alcoholic.
No idea what to do about it, though, since I’m gonna try for it again. Chasing the feeling. Fucking fiend.
Such is life, I guess.

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