First and always, I wish you the best. I wish you happiness and prosperity. I wish you peace of mind and good fortune. Always.
I’m not writing this to make any demands. You don’t have to do anything. You aren’t required to do anything. You never have been. I’m not trying to bind you in any shackles. I’m not trying to own you. I’m not trying to control you.
I am not in a competition with you. I am not trying to make you feel like a bad person.
I seek understanding. I hope for progress and for positive acknowledgement.
I am not expecting to do any one thing to miraculously get you to want to be accept me. I am hoping that you will find enough compassion to let me know if I’m doing anything that’s moving in the right direction. Otherwise I won’t know if I’m spinning my wheels in place, moving backwards, or going forward. I’m in the dark and I’d like some help. Not step by step guidance, just progress reports. But you don’t have to. You are not required to help me.
I am hoping. I am hoping that you will do things to let me know I’m making positive progress so that hope doesn’t fade in me. I am not invincibly strong nor am I infinitely stubborn. I get weary as I’m sure you do. I will be there to reassure you. To keep you motivated, strong and on a path of progress. I am not required to do this. I want to do this. I do find joy in doing this when I see that it’s helping you bc you deserve better. Better than I was. Better than I am. Better than you have been treated by any other man. Better than your boss treats. Better. There is always better. And I will always want that for you.
I’m not asking for perfection. I’m not demanding even your compassion. I’m hoping for it. It to motivates me. In everything. But I do not pretend that what motivates will translate into what you feel the need to do. I am aware that you don’t owe me anything. I am aware that you resent me to at least some degree. I earned it and I will not tell you how to feel. I don’t have that right.
I do have the right to tell you my intentions. Every meaning I intended to put behind my actions. I will acknowledge when that intention is foul and beg for forgiveness and try my best to prevent foul intentions from poisoning my words and actions in the future. I will tell you when my intentions were good and what they were and hope you will believe me and take them into consideration when you think about my words and actions. I will acknowledge when my good intentions are executed miserably. A good intention wrapped in horrible execution deserves ridicule. Hopefully it also benefits from the grace of the receiver when the intent is explained.
I have apologized numerous times for numerous things. I pray that my apologies are accepted and taken to heart. I have done good things that I hope you will accept and acknowledge. I have made progress that I hope you see and acknowledge.
I believe you are right in your assessments of me and my faults (hopefully I’ll event make it to believing your assessments of what’s good in me). However harshly the assessments are communicated, you are right. I believe you are right. I believe in your words. I trust your judgment.
Because of that, you are a catalyst for change in me. Change is not instantaneous. Change is not a smooth process. But change will occur. And that means I owe you gratitude.
I am required to be grateful to you for that. I am not required to be, yet I still find myself, in love with you. As far as my inexperienced heart can tell, I am in love with you. I love you. I love you. I love your daughter. I wish you and her all the positive outcomes possible in your lives. My expressions of care, gratitude, compassion and interest will likely be imperfect. Full of good intentions gone awry in the attempt to express them. Full of good intentions that blossom into wonderful actions and words and other expressions.
Love doesn’t make things easier, as far as I can tell. But love does make things more important. I will fight through anything and anyone (including myself and you) in the name of it because I would not fight if not for love. I would not feel pain or sorrow or joy or happiness as deeply as I do without love. I’ve tasted love and no other taste comes close. You are the core of this love. The seed and the flower. I dream of the aroma of the love I have found in you. The hope that dwells in the future of this love is the most compelling call to the future I have ever experienced. I hope you will allow it to grow. I hope that I will allow it to grow. I want it to grow. I hope that you want it to grow.
But I make no demands. I can only hope that these are your wants, wishes, and hopes as well.
So I do.
*note: This was written December, 2013 not June, 2014. It has been posted mostly to remind myself of what I felt the first time I fell in love.*